Well, finally something concrete began ... attended my first filmmaking workshop last weekend (beginner level) and was pretty excited from the fact that got to handle PD 170 camera for the first time, and wasnt so bad at it either. Have learnt quite a bit about camera shots and handling though emphasis till now has been more on the documentary making side and am personally more into the fiction filmmaking area.
But still, like the feel of having at least started up on something ....
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Crossroads . . . Again!
Hmm ... almost a sense of deja vu coming here. Once again, I am at the threshold of life where one step will influence the path I take for a long time to come. Can feel the familiar stirrings of uncertainty, nervousness, and excitement as after XII board results when had to choose a graduation course. Once again, one stream of my life has ended and another is about to begin. And once again, the same old feeling of "what do i do? what do i do???" quells up inside me from time to time. But this time ... its for BIG! Coz this time the decision im making is translating directly to my career ... and that is what is scaring the jeepers out of me!
Plus, what adds to the confusion is the fact that the career path i have chosen for myself is one of complete uncertainty as far as i have heard. This is not something like engg or medical where there is a particular time frame after which a particular result is expected. This is the world of dreams, a world where your fortune matters as much as your talent does. This is a world where there's a whole ocean to be traversed and I havent even crossed the beach! But somewhere deep inside, something tells me that maybe, this uncertainty is what really makes it so attractive in the first place. It's a risk, no doubt, maybe a huge one, but then, since when have stable lives made history? ;)
Plus, what adds to the confusion is the fact that the career path i have chosen for myself is one of complete uncertainty as far as i have heard. This is not something like engg or medical where there is a particular time frame after which a particular result is expected. This is the world of dreams, a world where your fortune matters as much as your talent does. This is a world where there's a whole ocean to be traversed and I havent even crossed the beach! But somewhere deep inside, something tells me that maybe, this uncertainty is what really makes it so attractive in the first place. It's a risk, no doubt, maybe a huge one, but then, since when have stable lives made history? ;)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Oh. God. It's my last exam tomorrow of my MA final Eng n I have no idea wat im doing rite now. I have barely touched my course, and I mean literally "barely". It's like 2 in the morning and i m simply passing my time away with no regard of the consequences. The old Debashish would have freaked out by now and contemplated all possible recourses to take in the future including but not limited to downing a complete bottle of baygon in despair. But this new version of me is turnin out to be too shocking for me to digest myself!
I am stressed about the fact that im not feeling any stress at all. In seven hours my exam is gonna start, my preps are laughable (or depressing, depending on which side of the shore ur on), and here I am, typing into my blog and daydreaming (coz technically its morning rite now). Wat is bothering me is the moment of truth when reality's finally gonna sink in. Cooz rite now I seem to be floating on some kind of a fantasy cloud which is preventing me from feeling any notions of pressure or anxiety. Maybe it has something to do with the extreme disillusionment that I have experienced after two years of this manic-depressive torture. I knew it wud be difficult coping thru another year but i had no idea things wud be this bad. And the worse part is that m not feeling sorry at all!!! In fact, am actually cheery in a very existentialist sort of way. Something has cropped up inside me, assuring me that it will all be well, n i really cant get over the conviction behind that voice. Believe me, this is not self-delusion. I can actually feel that what's happening is right. That this is a part of my destiny, it is meant to be, so it doesnt matter even if i give a blank paper tomorrow. I guess that's why my blood pressure is still normal. But the question here is: can things actually be so convenient? And trust me, that's the scary part.
So now that we are on the topic, just wanted to do some social service. If after graduation, you fins yourself in the same tragic situation I was in - not sure where to go or what stream to choose - do NOT choose an MA Eng from Delhi University unless:
a) You are keen to rake benefits out of the latest pay commission for lecturers and want a stable job with decent income and government benefits
b) You are actually a natural intellectual with a hungry thirst for literature and philosophy and do not mind sixteen more papers of literature of all kinds for the next two years
c) You are keen to maintain your record of 98 % attendance in your post-grads too
But of course, the worse reason you could positively have to choose an MA (or for that matter, any course or option) is that you have nowhere else to go. I mean, come on dude. There are, like, dozens of options out there. Just because you didnt get into the top national institute of your desired course does NOT give you the license to give up that true dream of yours completely. So before filling in that admission form, take a minute and ask yourself "is this what i really want? and i mean really, really want?" And if the answer is anything other than a yes, stop your pen, tear your form, and turn around. Coz in today's world, there'a nothing worse than doing something just for the sake of doing something. So dont even gimme that bullshit about "then what am i gonna do for the rest of the year?" Do up some research, go for other institutes or avenues which offer you your desired option, or if nothing else works out, then take off a year to prepare yourself for taking that top insti entrance again, but whatever you do, make sure you WANT to do it, man!
I have never regretted a decision of mine, and neither do I about this one too. It benefited me in some ways and taught me a few things. But just becoz I learnt the hard way doesn't mean that you have to too. Moral of the story: Follow your heart and TAKE that risk. What's the worse that can happen? Failure? Rejection? Temporary loss? But wouldnt that be better than spending all your life thinking "What if?" Think about it ...
I am stressed about the fact that im not feeling any stress at all. In seven hours my exam is gonna start, my preps are laughable (or depressing, depending on which side of the shore ur on), and here I am, typing into my blog and daydreaming (coz technically its morning rite now). Wat is bothering me is the moment of truth when reality's finally gonna sink in. Cooz rite now I seem to be floating on some kind of a fantasy cloud which is preventing me from feeling any notions of pressure or anxiety. Maybe it has something to do with the extreme disillusionment that I have experienced after two years of this manic-depressive torture. I knew it wud be difficult coping thru another year but i had no idea things wud be this bad. And the worse part is that m not feeling sorry at all!!! In fact, am actually cheery in a very existentialist sort of way. Something has cropped up inside me, assuring me that it will all be well, n i really cant get over the conviction behind that voice. Believe me, this is not self-delusion. I can actually feel that what's happening is right. That this is a part of my destiny, it is meant to be, so it doesnt matter even if i give a blank paper tomorrow. I guess that's why my blood pressure is still normal. But the question here is: can things actually be so convenient? And trust me, that's the scary part.
So now that we are on the topic, just wanted to do some social service. If after graduation, you fins yourself in the same tragic situation I was in - not sure where to go or what stream to choose - do NOT choose an MA Eng from Delhi University unless:
a) You are keen to rake benefits out of the latest pay commission for lecturers and want a stable job with decent income and government benefits
b) You are actually a natural intellectual with a hungry thirst for literature and philosophy and do not mind sixteen more papers of literature of all kinds for the next two years
c) You are keen to maintain your record of 98 % attendance in your post-grads too
But of course, the worse reason you could positively have to choose an MA (or for that matter, any course or option) is that you have nowhere else to go. I mean, come on dude. There are, like, dozens of options out there. Just because you didnt get into the top national institute of your desired course does NOT give you the license to give up that true dream of yours completely. So before filling in that admission form, take a minute and ask yourself "is this what i really want? and i mean really, really want?" And if the answer is anything other than a yes, stop your pen, tear your form, and turn around. Coz in today's world, there'a nothing worse than doing something just for the sake of doing something. So dont even gimme that bullshit about "then what am i gonna do for the rest of the year?" Do up some research, go for other institutes or avenues which offer you your desired option, or if nothing else works out, then take off a year to prepare yourself for taking that top insti entrance again, but whatever you do, make sure you WANT to do it, man!
I have never regretted a decision of mine, and neither do I about this one too. It benefited me in some ways and taught me a few things. But just becoz I learnt the hard way doesn't mean that you have to too. Moral of the story: Follow your heart and TAKE that risk. What's the worse that can happen? Failure? Rejection? Temporary loss? But wouldnt that be better than spending all your life thinking "What if?" Think about it ...
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