Even fear takes a certain type of imagination. You cannot feel emotions related to horror such as fear, chills, goosebumps if you do not have the power of visualization. This I realized while sitting alone in my screenwriting classroom, watching a spider approach an ant trapped in its web. The ant was unfamiliar of the danger as those thin, long sticks approached it. It was a scene from any one of those Nat Geo creature programs. What made the difference, however, was when I tried to feel what the ant must be going through once the spider trapped it in its sticky hold. I became the ant, getting tossed and turned and tossed and turned with nothing I could do about it, trying to escape but finding myself pierced with its venom time and again, the huge multi-eyed head in front of my eyes, stabbing me with its needle, waiting for me to pass out, and finally, getting embraced in a deathly web of curling legs as the spider sucked out my life force at its leisure. The very thought was blood-curdling. Brrr....

Three musketeers: The funda of buddy trios

One thing which has often struck me as odd is this unfailing, automatic tendency of mine to make friends in trios (including me, of course). No matter how many people I meet at various points of time in my life, I always end up having just two close friends from the whole batch, thus matching the combo of the classic three musketeers. Be it college, school, workshop, it almost always turns out to be three. Me-Addu-Gaddu; Me-Anubha-Tanmai; Me-Deepak-Atit (not all names could be included in sampling so those who are not mentioned are requested not to take it personally).
What is the funda behind this automatic selection process? Though I have pitiful knowledge when it comes to psychology, yet some brave attempts at delving into my mind have brought out some interesting explanation possibilities about the whole thing. Firstly, the number three has a certain rounded wholeness to it. You see one person - lonely. You see two persons - couple/best friends/ siblings/ enemies/ acquaintances - basically a little too many possibilities. But you see three smiling people together and bam! There's the balance we were looking for.
Being buddies-in-three also has the advantage of having a negotiator at hand whenever the need arises. In the event of a conflict between two gang members, there is always the third party who can put in efforts to solve the issue through tact, diplomacy, and appeasement. Of course, a precondition for this is that the third party involved here should have a certain degree of assertion in the trio, otherwise you will end up with two warring factions and a miserable figure stuck in the middle with nowhere to go.
Finally, there is the influence of the media and popular culture which may have a subtle role in popularizing the trio buddy business. Be it Charlie's Angels, Friends (3 guys, 3 girls, remember?), those million love-triangle rom-dramas, Harry Potter, Five Point Someone ... the message is simple: three means more fun.
But once again, I conclude with the warning to avoid simplifying my reflections down to a narrow message. Of course I am not advocating multiple calculations and manipulations while making friends. It is as much a natural process as falling in love. You don't plan to make friends, it just happens. Neither am I saying that only this combo works the best so all dissenters better find a third option to enjoy life. All I am trying to do is present my reflections on a particularly intriguing fact which has been revolving in my mind for quite some time now. Let's see if you agree ...

Reflections on Writing

One major lesson I learnt today - the biggest crime u can commit while writing a story is dictatorship over your "Subjects", namely the characters you create. This means being in complete control over what happens to them, what they do, what they are supposed to do, and so on and so forth. And believe it or not, moat of the time, the seed of this crime comes from what many amateur writers seek as the most valuable ingredient for growth: 'feedback', mostly from your well-wishers and loved ones.

Now don't get me wrong here. I am not saying that you should close yourself to the opinions of others and form this impenetrable wall of stubbornness around yourself and your story. Of course a second opinion is necessary at times to get a balanced perspective on your story. After all, the very fact that you spent a significant portion of your time and efforts over its creation makes you its parent. And as we all know, every parent thinks his/ her child to be the most special in the world. So a second or third-party perspective is of course necessary to gain an unbiased insight.

The problem comes when you begin treating the other party's judgment as sacrosanct and all-knowing. This is a major area of vulnerability especially for first-time or aspiring writers. Sometimes, the pressure of public opinion becomes so high that writers end up changing the very essence of their stories, the basic nature of their characters. Nothing could be more tragic. Because if you satisfy individual "A" with a particular change, tomorrow you will find an individual "B" who will be dissatisfied with that very change. Worse, he might suggest other changes to counterbalance this particular alteration. And before you know it, your magnum opus, your source of pride, your own creative offspring, will become unrecognizable to you. You will become the proverbial mother bird which ended up rejecting its own eggs after someone else had touched them, as it couldn't find its own scent in them anymore.

My basic point is this - accept feedback from one and all, because the fact that people are responding to your story itself shows that they are interested in it. Be grateful for it. But at the end of the day, sit down with those suggestions and filter them out according to what you think is apt for your story. Trust your judgment. After all, no one knows your story better than you do.

Truth

There are two basic emotions in human beings - love and fear. All else is but a derivative - Irengbam Debashish Singh

Retrospect

Well, back after my interview at FTII ... n guess what? Have actually got through the whole entrance thing. So now am an official FTIIian, heh heh... it's funny how one victory can make a difference to your entire paradigm on life. Suddenly, everything becomes achieveable. The past two-three months have been a kind of remarkable ones though. After my MA, I very consciously and thanks to the advice of a few good pals, did not take up any time pass sort of job or involvement. Just the workshop, and that was it.
It was also the first time I took an interest of mine so seriously - writing. With due credit to the freedom given to me by my folks, I actually took up a risk of this magnitude. The temptations were many - content writing ads promising upward of 15 k salaries, English teaching courses which promised good environment and flexible routines. But soon, I realized that there are times when you need to take a stand in life which might not be the most convenient one, but still the most apt one. You need to take risks, chances. As the adage goes, you cannot draw water from a well unless you throw in the bucket first. And this daring comes only after you trust yourself enough to know you will never regret this decision. This trust could be in the form of a faith in your talents, your abilities, your spirit. Whatever it is, the point is you need to have enough balls to not break down in case failure comes along the way. Failure has to be considered as a possible option to be accepted without looking back along the road. But this does not mean getting stubborn or blind to any U-turns. They are part of the route too, 'cause there are times when your destiny requires you to change. I myself have taken a lot of about-turns in my life. The point is you need to realize the difference between a speed-breaker and a detour.
One is meant to check your speed, the other is meant to take you on a path different from your original plans. Both have their timings. But the ultimate message remains the same - there may be speed checks and turns and twists in life, but there are no road-blocks. All you need to do is keep moving.

First Step

Well, finally something concrete began ... attended my first filmmaking workshop last weekend (beginner level) and was pretty excited from the fact that got to handle PD 170 camera for the first time, and wasnt so bad at it either. Have learnt quite a bit about camera shots and handling though emphasis till now has been more on the documentary making side and am personally more into the fiction filmmaking area.
But still, like the feel of having at least started up on something ....

Crossroads . . . Again!

Hmm ... almost a sense of deja vu coming here. Once again, I am at the threshold of life where one step will influence the path I take for a long time to come. Can feel the familiar stirrings of uncertainty, nervousness, and excitement as after XII board results when had to choose a graduation course. Once again, one stream of my life has ended and another is about to begin. And once again, the same old feeling of "what do i do? what do i do???" quells up inside me from time to time. But this time ... its for BIG! Coz this time the decision im making is translating directly to my career ... and that is what is scaring the jeepers out of me!
Plus, what adds to the confusion is the fact that the career path i have chosen for myself is one of complete uncertainty as far as i have heard. This is not something like engg or medical where there is a particular time frame after which a particular result is expected. This is the world of dreams, a world where your fortune matters as much as your talent does. This is a world where there's a whole ocean to be traversed and I havent even crossed the beach! But somewhere deep inside, something tells me that maybe, this uncertainty is what really makes it so attractive in the first place. It's a risk, no doubt, maybe a huge one, but then, since when have stable lives made history? ;)

Oh. God. It's my last exam tomorrow of my MA final Eng n I have no idea wat im doing rite now. I have barely touched my course, and I mean literally "barely". It's like 2 in the morning and i m simply passing my time away with no regard of the consequences. The old Debashish would have freaked out by now and contemplated all possible recourses to take in the future including but not limited to downing a complete bottle of baygon in despair. But this new version of me is turnin out to be too shocking for me to digest myself!
I am stressed about the fact that im not feeling any stress at all. In seven hours my exam is gonna start, my preps are laughable (or depressing, depending on which side of the shore ur on), and here I am, typing into my blog and daydreaming (coz technically its morning rite now). Wat is bothering me is the moment of truth when reality's finally gonna sink in. Cooz rite now I seem to be floating on some kind of a fantasy cloud which is preventing me from feeling any notions of pressure or anxiety. Maybe it has something to do with the extreme disillusionment that I have experienced after two years of this manic-depressive torture. I knew it wud be difficult coping thru another year but i had no idea things wud be this bad. And the worse part is that m not feeling sorry at all!!! In fact, am actually cheery in a very existentialist sort of way. Something has cropped up inside me, assuring me that it will all be well, n i really cant get over the conviction behind that voice. Believe me, this is not self-delusion. I can actually feel that what's happening is right. That this is a part of my destiny, it is meant to be, so it doesnt matter even if i give a blank paper tomorrow. I guess that's why my blood pressure is still normal. But the question here is: can things actually be so convenient? And trust me, that's the scary part.
So now that we are on the topic, just wanted to do some social service. If after graduation, you fins yourself in the same tragic situation I was in - not sure where to go or what stream to choose - do NOT choose an MA Eng from Delhi University unless:
a) You are keen to rake benefits out of the latest pay commission for lecturers and want a stable job with decent income and government benefits
b) You are actually a natural intellectual with a hungry thirst for literature and philosophy and do not mind sixteen more papers of literature of all kinds for the next two years
c) You are keen to maintain your record of 98 % attendance in your post-grads too

But of course, the worse reason you could positively have to choose an MA (or for that matter, any course or option) is that you have nowhere else to go. I mean, come on dude. There are, like, dozens of options out there. Just because you didnt get into the top national institute of your desired course does NOT give you the license to give up that true dream of yours completely. So before filling in that admission form, take a minute and ask yourself "is this what i really want? and i mean really, really want?" And if the answer is anything other than a yes, stop your pen, tear your form, and turn around. Coz in today's world, there'a nothing worse than doing something just for the sake of doing something. So dont even gimme that bullshit about "then what am i gonna do for the rest of the year?" Do up some research, go for other institutes or avenues which offer you your desired option, or if nothing else works out, then take off a year to prepare yourself for taking that top insti entrance again, but whatever you do, make sure you WANT to do it, man!
I have never regretted a decision of mine, and neither do I about this one too. It benefited me in some ways and taught me a few things. But just becoz I learnt the hard way doesn't mean that you have to too. Moral of the story: Follow your heart and TAKE that risk. What's the worse that can happen? Failure? Rejection? Temporary loss? But wouldnt that be better than spending all your life thinking "What if?" Think about it ...

A soliloquy for the minor beings

I committed multiple murders today,
And became a serial killer,
Nothing metaphorical here,
Literally killed many,
Dunno how many families were affected
By those deaths,
Or is the system different,
But then we would all be sinners, won't we?
After all, I'm sure I'm not the only one
Killing ants to save his rations,
Drowning them in acid and watching them
Die with satisfaction.
I have a rationale
Which applies to my dimension,
But does that mean,
Ours is the only dimension that matters?
A similar event among humans would trigger
An international crises
And we would wonder what the world is coming to
With all its religion and politics.
But the size and specie of beings,
Now seems to be directly proportionate
To the magnitude of their tragedy,
A man killed by a car leads to the devastation
of a family and immense grief,
A row of ants stepped upon
Simply dirty the shoes,
Is this what Kalyuga is about?

Verse: Life is a broadband server

Life is a broadband server,
Steady and smooth when you're just surfing through,
Every link opens with a click, without a moment's delay,
But the moment you need it for a crucial use,
Next thing you realize is that the connection's blown away,
You fret and fume and curse and swear,
But you know the loss's beyond repair,
"Make hay while the sun shines",
"How cliched," you used to say,
But it's better to upload and save your stuff while you can,
Or be a smartass now and later pay ...

Have recently developed a new passion - filmmaking, as in short films through my handycam. It all started with that national film festival last year where I decided to give my first shot. The result was "My Funky Date", a ten minute short film based on stereotypes about Northeastern guys. I can still remember its "production phase", when Sharat would stay static with the digicam in his hand tll the shot got over since we obviously didnt have a camera stand. One accidental flick of his hand, and we would have to go through the whole scene again. And since the audio recording of the camera was practically nil, so we had to dub all the scenes again with the help of a near-disintegrated mike and Windows Movie Maker. The dubbing was another scene altogether, with all three of us (me, shardu, and anubha) huddled in complete silence at 3 in the morning as Anubha, our heroine, would try to sync one dialogue after another for her scenes. The dubbing finally ended at 5 am since the heroine had a train to catch at 6.30 am for home!

Good thing, however, that our efforts bore fruit much more than we had ever expected. Two film festivals and one successful film competition later, we were all brimming with confidence and hope. And thus the autism venture got its foundation which we are currently working on. Have also completed another short film, Ranjan's Workout, which me n tannu r thrilled about. Have submitted it for a student film competition. Let's c wat happens.

Oh, and there's another major film competition coming up which seems to be really big deal with names like Subhash Ghai, Vikram Bhatt, Ketan Mehta, for the jury, and bountiful prize money. Am thinking of sending of sending my Autism film for this one if by God's grace, it gets completed before time. Let's see . . .