Oh. God. It's my last exam tomorrow of my MA final Eng n I have no idea wat im doing rite now. I have barely touched my course, and I mean literally "barely". It's like 2 in the morning and i m simply passing my time away with no regard of the consequences. The old Debashish would have freaked out by now and contemplated all possible recourses to take in the future including but not limited to downing a complete bottle of baygon in despair. But this new version of me is turnin out to be too shocking for me to digest myself!
I am stressed about the fact that im not feeling any stress at all. In seven hours my exam is gonna start, my preps are laughable (or depressing, depending on which side of the shore ur on), and here I am, typing into my blog and daydreaming (coz technically its morning rite now). Wat is bothering me is the moment of truth when reality's finally gonna sink in. Cooz rite now I seem to be floating on some kind of a fantasy cloud which is preventing me from feeling any notions of pressure or anxiety. Maybe it has something to do with the extreme disillusionment that I have experienced after two years of this manic-depressive torture. I knew it wud be difficult coping thru another year but i had no idea things wud be this bad. And the worse part is that m not feeling sorry at all!!! In fact, am actually cheery in a very existentialist sort of way. Something has cropped up inside me, assuring me that it will all be well, n i really cant get over the conviction behind that voice. Believe me, this is not self-delusion. I can actually feel that what's happening is right. That this is a part of my destiny, it is meant to be, so it doesnt matter even if i give a blank paper tomorrow. I guess that's why my blood pressure is still normal. But the question here is: can things actually be so convenient? And trust me, that's the scary part.
So now that we are on the topic, just wanted to do some social service. If after graduation, you fins yourself in the same tragic situation I was in - not sure where to go or what stream to choose - do NOT choose an MA Eng from Delhi University unless:
a) You are keen to rake benefits out of the latest pay commission for lecturers and want a stable job with decent income and government benefits
b) You are actually a natural intellectual with a hungry thirst for literature and philosophy and do not mind sixteen more papers of literature of all kinds for the next two years
c) You are keen to maintain your record of 98 % attendance in your post-grads too
But of course, the worse reason you could positively have to choose an MA (or for that matter, any course or option) is that you have nowhere else to go. I mean, come on dude. There are, like, dozens of options out there. Just because you didnt get into the top national institute of your desired course does NOT give you the license to give up that true dream of yours completely. So before filling in that admission form, take a minute and ask yourself "is this what i really want? and i mean really, really want?" And if the answer is anything other than a yes, stop your pen, tear your form, and turn around. Coz in today's world, there'a nothing worse than doing something just for the sake of doing something. So dont even gimme that bullshit about "then what am i gonna do for the rest of the year?" Do up some research, go for other institutes or avenues which offer you your desired option, or if nothing else works out, then take off a year to prepare yourself for taking that top insti entrance again, but whatever you do, make sure you WANT to do it, man!
I have never regretted a decision of mine, and neither do I about this one too. It benefited me in some ways and taught me a few things. But just becoz I learnt the hard way doesn't mean that you have to too. Moral of the story: Follow your heart and TAKE that risk. What's the worse that can happen? Failure? Rejection? Temporary loss? But wouldnt that be better than spending all your life thinking "What if?" Think about it ...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
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